I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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