i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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