I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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