He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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