I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
