No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
