So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
