i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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