i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
