as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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