I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
