I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
