I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
