Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
