We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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