The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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