I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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