Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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