I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
