My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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