are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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