Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
