The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
