thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
