I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
