what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
