a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
