just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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