I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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