I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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