I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
