I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Drunk is a universal language darling
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
