i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
