Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
