so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Randomize
