if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
