wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
