turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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