he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
