Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
