White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
