found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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