Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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