you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
