What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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