You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think i have two assholes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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