I wish I only lived at night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
