I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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