he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
