When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
