Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
