after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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