did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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