True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
