I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
