she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
