so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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