Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Randomize
