Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
