I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
