it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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