Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
