Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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